family albums
[found this in my drafts, from 1/3. finished today.]
I found myself getting extremely emotional out of no where while flipping through old family albums earlier last night. I was just trying to find a funny picture of myself running around with butt-less pants when I was a baby. I had expected to laugh at myself and marvel at the fact that I was such an adorable baby (I would kidnap myself. Just sayin’). Instead, seeing pages and pages of pictures of myself playing and laughing with my parents, and having the time of my life, in a way that I haven’t done so in years… just made me really sad inside.
And I’m wondering - What happened since then? When did it start?
Mainly, I feel terribly guilty. Growing up, anger and distance were my weapons of self defense. Communicating with my parents - even today - is like walking through a minefield - we never know what’s going to set the other person off. I had always blamed them for not trying; truth of the matter was - it’s largely my fault also.
You think of stereotypical Asian families, and you think of Tiger moms and dads who remain distant from their children, and you think of sullen teenagers who resent the fact their parents don’t see eye to eye with them. You think of unreasonably high expectations, and the punishments meted out when they aren’t met. You think of merit in terms of achievements and that unbridgeable gap between children and adults.
It’s so easy to forget that there was a time before all that; and more importantly, there’s a reason behind all the pressure. And what you don’t think of is there was a more innocent time, a more human time, before the resentment and the distance where these two people were the most important figures in your life. Before you went out and replaced them with peers and collegues and people your own age who “understood you”.
What we don’t think of is that ultimately,they’re your parents, regardless of their race or temperament; and you don’t think of them playing with you as a toddler, and taking you places before you started school. You don’t think of how excited and happy they must’ve been to be around you when you were born. What you don’t think of is the simple fact that - goddamn it, they love you.
There’s so much media out that that demonizes Asian parents, and I can’t help but think that my generation feeds off of this. The culture of the 1.5th almost says that it’s okay to distant yourself from your parents, that it’s just a function of culture clash, that “hey! it’s not your fault - everyone else is having the same problem - don’t worry about it!”. But what the culture doesn’t foster is a sense of responsibility, and doesn’t teach us, or even encourage us to actively deal with this distance. The stereotypical “growing up in an Asian household” story always involves a lack of understanding, building resentment, and ends with a cathartic scene of “escaping the bonds that have tied you down”. I’m generalizing, of course, but it’s just strange to think about it. In what other demographic do we so consistently portray our parents negatively? In what other demographic is avoiding confrontation an accepted form of resolution?
Oof, now I’m just waxing poetic and going on random tangents. I think I’m going to call my mommy now. :D
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